Resident Evil Jerry Springer
by liquid mongoose
Summary: Albert Wesker takes over the Jerry Springer Show. hilarity ensues


"Hi, I'm Albert Wesker and Welcome to the Albert Wesker Show."

"Jerry Springer is dead, I mean sick at the moment so I will take over for now,"

He said while laughing maniacally,

" Today's subject is "I hate you, so leave me alone and never speak to me again", first we will bring out Jill Valentine."

As soon as she walks out the crowd goes wild, "Ahhhhhhh, I love you Jill."

"So Jill, what seems to be the problem?"

"Well Wesker, I hate Chris, he has put me through so much beep, I want him to just leave me alone."

"Okay, now lets bring out Chris Redfield."

"Hey Jill, what's going on?"

"And, what's the other chair for?"

"Chris, I've been cheating on you."

"Don't worry Jill, I already know. I'm not as dumb as most people believe. I actually graduated from MIT, Magna Cum Laude. The only thing I don't know is who you've been having an affair with."

"Well, ain't this a pleasant surprise, we'll be back to the Albert Wesker Show after this commercial.

An announcer in a cheesy suit walks out and says,

"Has your name been disgraced by, so called, fan fiction?

Jill walks out and says, "I have. I've been in stories that tell of me having sex with zombies, snakes, spiders, BOWs, and even Chris.

Chris walks out and says,

" Me too. I've been in stories about me having sex with Wesker, Leon, Jill, Alice, Rain, and Claire. Oooooooooohh."

He says in disgust and runs away.

The announcer walks out and says,

"We now present to you the most abused fan fiction character of all time."

"Hi, I'm Riddick. In stories, I've been gay, straight, bisexual. I've been tortured, gang raped, and in one story I had sex with Dominic Torreto from the Fast and the Furious."

An army of characters from movies, games and TV walk out and say,

"We are A.S.S.H.O.L.E.S, the **A**nimated **S**tory **S**ubjects **H**aving **O**utrageously **L**ewd and **E**xcessive **S**ex."

"For info call, toll free, 1-800-WE-ARE-ASSHOLES."

"Welcome back to the Albert Wesker Show, when we left off Jill was about to reveal who she was cheating with."

"Wait, Jill, let me guess. It was Carlos, right."

"You know that's what most people would guess but it is Leon."

"Oh god, not that fluff."

Wesker said,

"Jill, aren't there some others."

"Oh yeah," she replied. "There was Kevin Ryman, Tony Slaughter (shout out to Liquid), Carlos, Nicholai, Ada, Morpheus, Alfred, Brad, Billy.

5 Hours Later 

The waiter at J's Bar, and the guy I sat next to on the plane ride.

"Well," Wesker said, "Thank you slut, I mean Jill. It is time for a commercial break.

A weird voice says,

"Hey if you're not doing anything better, why not watch Joey on ABC's Don't Give a Rat's Ass Thursday.

The commercial fades out, when a clown pops out.

"Hi, kids. I'm Captain Spaulding. You should come to my amusement park. We just installed some great new rides. For example, our funhouse called the House of 1000 Corpses or our roller coaster, the Firefly of Death. It is located on route 666.

"Hi folks, we're back. We'd like to introduce Leech #185199451420."

The leech squirms up on stage and says,

"Hey Wesker. I'm here because James Marcus has been cheating on me with Leech #522912-0."

"Well, lets introduce Mr. Marcus."

The audience instantly lets out a chorus of boos.

James comes out saying,

"Shut up. You don't know me."

The leech says,

"I know you've been cheating on me. And I've got some news, I'm pregnant."

"Whatever, I used a condom," Marcus retorted.

Wesker and most of the audience are seen puking their guts out.

Wesker lifts his head for a moment to say,

"We'll see you next time on the Albert Wesker Show."

Then he spews on the cameraman causing technical difficulties and the eventual cancellation of the Albert Wesker Show.

A/N- Hope you liked it. If you didn't notice the first leech was #185199451420. If you split it up like this, 18-5-19-9-4-5-14-20, it spells R E S I D E N T. Based on the number of the letter. The other leech was # 5-22-9-12-0

Which is, E V I L 0.

All together it spells Resident Evil 0, where James Marcus and the leeches made their first appearance.


End file.
